Captain "Diver Dave" Slutton
Information about one of the greatest "men" of our time. Me!

This is me, Dave Slutton. I'm a little shy sometimes.
I'm a little shy...

 

 
Hi. My name is David Slutton. Here, I will introduce you to my life, my activities, some of my business dealings, and everything you'd ever want to know about me. "But why would anyone want to read about Dave Slutton" you ask? Because, as anyone who really knows me will attest, the more you know about me, the more amazed you'll be. At least that what everyone tells me.

The website is small now, but I'll be adding to it as time goes by. For now, I've organized at least 10 neat little facts that will illustrate how unique I really am!

Enjoy!
 

 

10 Interesting Facts About Me, "Diver Dave":

Fun Fact #1. I am smart as a whip. I can communicate very well, and there's no doubt that I know a lot about a wide variety of subjects. I often write about my areas of expertise in many online newsgroups, journals, websites, and even magazines. That way, people learn to trust me. I like it when people trust me. You should trust me.

 

Fun Fact #2. I'm very social, and I like to get involved with organizations that share my interests. What I really like doing is getting myself into the upper leadership of these organizations. That way, I can make rules, set agendas, plan things, and get lots of exposure for myself. This is good for two reasons. First, I can get respect from a larger number of my peers (my primary goal) and second, I can use that respect to make even more "friends" and climb ever higher on my life-ladder -- a ladder which reaches to the stars. I will not stop until I am the most respected human on earth. Respect from my peers, whoever they may be, gives me the opportunity to become bigger, more well-known, and closer to being a legend.

 

Fun Fact #3. I am a master at gaining the trust and respect of anyone who might be able to help me in my quest to become larger-than-life. I have gained the confidence of astronauts, fighter pilots, businessmen of all varieties, and even politicians. I do this by carefully manipulating their egos. A man cannot be bought unless he wants to be bought, and when I get to know each new "friend," they always desperately want to be bought, believe me.

While I'm getting to know someone in a position of power, influence, or money, I use a careful mixture of flattery, bravado, down-home humbleness, and quick-witted flim-flammery to make them feel like they just settled down with a tall, cool glass of lemonade on a hot, summer day. They never know the lemonade is spiked. Until later. But by then it's far, far too late. I don't do this to be cruel. I do it because manipulation is the best way to gain respect.

As I mentioned, one of the ways I try to gain the world's respect is to join various organizations. Oftentimes, the organizations I join eventually decide that I am sometimes very difficult to deal with, and that my personality does not suit them. In fact, I have been asked to leave several large organizations, including the Classic Jet Aircraft Association (CJAA), where I caused so much havoc that several special board meetings were held just to decide what to do with me. Unfortunately for them, they decided to throw me out of the organization. They were wrong about me, of course. I think people are always wrong about me. Unless they're right.

Of course, one of my websites still proudly proclaims that I'm on the Board of Directors of the CJAA! (Gotta love résumé-fillers!) More on this later.

Anyway, I've learned a lot in the past few years. Organizations that have the potential to throw me out are just not worth my time. I figured out a better way. Nowadays, I just create organizations around me! That's right. I figured that if no one wants to associate with me, I'd create various organizations myself, then create fictitious "Boards of Directors" and "Boards of Advisors" -- each composed of influential people whom I convinced, through flattery, to take part. I have to admit that this was one of my masterstrokes! And the internet is perfect for this -- I don't have to deal with any of my "members" or "associates" face-to-face.

One such organization I created, the Red Star Aviation Museum, is based on another organization I created a number of years ago, called Red Star Aviation. My "museum" is a huge tax shelter for my airplanes and flying activities. Everyone does this, and I assure you it's perfectly legal. Look me up -- I'm a 501(c)(3) Non-Profit Educational Foundation, with $1.5 million worth of airplanes to play with. I love U.S. Tax Law! (Some people say my airplanes are as much a "museum" as my pet dogs are a "zoo," but they just don't understand the way the world works.) I use these airplanes for Government contracts, and boy do I have fun charging the U.S. taxpayers a crapload of money so I can fly my toys.

It's unfortunate that many of the members of my "Advisory Board" actually distrust me nowadays. I guess now I'll never remove their names and photos from my website. That'll show 'em.

(For a long time, I even had a dead guy on my Advisory Board! I've found that dead people don't complain about me much.)

The really great part about my "organization," though, is that I appear to offer a lot of services, few of which I actually offer. I accomplish this through a clever mix of ingredients: A professional-looking website (created by poor college kids who will do anything for a ride in an airplane); lots of cool photos of me standing next to airplanes from years or even decades ago; an impressive résumé, and a heaping-helping of smooth balderdash. Oh, and some actual, useful content that holds it all together. Damn, I am good. Anyone who reads my website (especially the IRS, God love 'em) will get exactly the impression I want them to have.

Yeah, I guess it's a shame that some of my endeavors aren't really on the up-and-up. But how would anyone ever find out? I mean, YOU wouldn't tell anyone.

OK, just because you're my new friend, I'll share some stuff with you, right now. (Don't tell anyone. I'm counting on you.)

Here's an example of some the clever misrepresentations on my website: For years, I advertised myself as a Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) Pilot Examiner for surplus, classic military airplanes (we call them "warbirds.") I've had the chance to "check out" quite a few warbird applicants over the years -- despite the fact that I have little or no experience in some of these airplanes. (That's a whole other story. Perhaps I'll share it with you someday.)

Anyway, I was once hired to give flight exams to a couple of applicants in a MiG-21 fighter jet. (For those of you who don't know, the MiG-21 is a 1960s-era supersonic Russian fighter. There are a about a dozen of them in the United States, all privately owned.)


Me and a MiG-21! (And some other guy who's in prison now.)
I rode in this airplane for a half-hour, 20 years ago,
and now I call myself an Examiner. Ain't life grand?

Anyway, these guys hired me, arranged everything with the owner of the airplane, made hotel reservations, bought airline tickets to where the airplane was, and set a date. What they didn't know was that I'm not actually qualified, in the FAA's eyes, to give MiG-21 flight checks. Bummer for my customers. Two days before their check rides, they found out I wasn't authorized or credentialed do it, despite what it advertises on my website:

Sorry about your non-refundable tickets, guys, but it would absolutely kill me to remove old, outdated qualifications from my résumé. That wouldn't look good on my website, and heck, I used to be a MiG-21 Flight Examiner, therefore I will call myself one for life. I'll even stick to my story -- right up until the day I'm supposed to do the check flights. Ha! Gotcha!

Here's another one: The impressive line below was found on the part of my web site where I talked about my services as an Examiner in the T-28 (a propeller-driven trainer formerly flown by both the U.S. Navy and Air Force):

Too bad that sentence wasn't true. That arrangement would be a great deal for me. Courtesy is a well-respected warbird broker -- perhaps the most-respected broker in the world. But even though that text might be considered a lie, I felt completely justified in keeping it on my website because once, years ago, I actually did perform a check flight for a client at Courtesy Aircraft. See how I work? I am a master of exaggeration. And don't you forget it, because it extends into every aspect of my life, my friendships, and my affiliations.

And don't forget my organization's actual motto: "If there’s doubt, there’s no doubt.”

Make of that what you will.
 

UPDATE: The FAA, in a burst of mean-spiritedness towards me, has taken away my FAA Examiner credentials. I do not know what caused them to take this action, but I think it must be envy and spite. Too bad for them. My enormous skills will no longer be available to them. Their loss.

 

Fun Fact #4. Another website I created, NoBubbleDiving.com was, for a while, another tribute to me -- carefully disguised as an informational community of like-minded technical SCUBA divers who like to use re-breathers. (Re-breathers are devices that allow divers to stay underwater without making bubbles.) My website contained an interactive forum and plenty of interesting articles, and lots of people visited it every day. That's exactly how I designed it, and it was a small price to pay to attract eyeballs to my name, my photo, my articles, and my reputation. It was another empire that I was building for myself. I ran it with an iron fist, just like an empire should be run. The only problem I had was that people used to get annoyed because my forum signature was twenty lines long. I then learned to use subtle understatement. The only way to build buzz is to let it happen slowly, like making soup. Dave Soup. Mmmm.

I speak of this website in the past tense because within six months of setting it up, my empire deteriorated into a quagmire of name-calling, personal attacks and even "hacker" attacks. I lost complete control over it, and had to move it to a new server and turn over control to someone else. Someone who wasn't hated by so many people. It wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I had to do it.

Anyway, I ran my new site (nbd.spotz.com) for a while, and I found that divers (and marine life in general) seemed to be more receptive to me than pilots ever were, so I figured I'd found my true place in the world. Alas, it wasn't to be. Even the heavily-moderated site failed. Nowadays, I stay away from online forums. There are too many people out there who don't appreciate me properly. Too many people who wish I would stay underwater making no bubbles, ever.
 
 

Fun Fact #5. I have a penchant for giving myself nicknames and personas, such as "Diver Dave." I tried being "Captain Dave Slutton" for many years, but I found out there was already a "Captain Dave Slutton" in Florida, who is well-known as a fishing guide and boat captain. He even appears on TV sports shows sometimes. Damn him. And damn my parents for naming me something so common! I want to be as famous and reputable as that Florida guy. And mark my words, I will be.

I really am a Captain, of course. I'm a boat Captain. Licensed and everything. I operate a chartered dive boat out of Milwaukee. We search for shipwrecks. I'm good at finding them, because I have an affinity for wrecked things.

I think you could legally say I'm an airplane Captain, too. I'm an instructor in the "Falcon" line of business jets. I rarely get to actually fly the real airplane, because I teach my students in a simulator. But people in the aviation community react like Pavlov's dogs when they hear the word "Captain." It instantly conveys respect, and God knows, I don't get enough of that by myself, so I use the title "Captain" any chance I get.

These days, I mostly go by the name "Diver Dave" or "Captain Dave."

Stop laughing.

 

Fun Fact #6. I used to sell airplanes -- mostly "warbirds" -- to rich guys who are addicted to adrenaline and jet fumes. There are dozens of stories out there about how I took advantage of some of these guys, and I'm proud of every story, because they just add to my mystique and my legend. Maybe I'll tell you some of them someday.

Oh, heck, I'll just tell you one right now. I once sold an airplane to an airline pilot friend of mine. He was all excited, and I convinced him to give me a big deposit while he worked out his financing details. (I told him that another guy was interested in the plane, too, and he'd better buy it right away, or the plane would be gone. Heh heh. What a great sales line.) Anyway, he backed out of the purchase for some lame reason (I think he said a family member was gravely ill or something). Then he actually had the nerve to ask for his money back! I still have every penny of his money, all these years later. It was easy money, because it was a handshake deal with no written contract. What a sucker. What a genius I am.

Nowadays, I try to stay in the aircraft business as much as I can. I'll sell you anything, from a seat belt to a whole airplane. Of course, I find it harder and harder to sell anything to anyone -- even though quite a few of my potential buyers say they've already heard of me. I don't quite see any correlation there, but hey, there are still plenty of "new guys" out there, and I'll always be able to sell the occasional airplane or engine or whatever. New guys need my help. And I need their money and respect.

 

Fun Fact #7. I've only crashed two airplanes. I was lucky to survive the first one. It was a Yak-18 that had an engine failure, and I put it into the trees. It wasn't my fault. The accident damn-near made me a paraplegic. But the world was spared that awful fate, and I survived to continue making the world a better place.

The second accident wasn't my fault, either. The damned brakes failed on my MiG-15, and I went off the runway. I couldn't believe it. I fix and maintain that airplane myself! I'm probably gonna have to sue the Russian manufacturer, Mikoyan-Gurevich, for making faulty brakes. Or maybe I'll sue the entire country of Russia.

I've had my share of other problems with airplanes over the years. Just recently, for example, a MiG-15 engine tried to burn itself up while I was starting it, and if that weren't enough, it tried to burn up its own brakes, too. What a piece of junk! I'm sure glad it wasn't my airplane... 

There have been quite a few instances where I showed up to check out someone in an airplane, and between you and me, I didn't have the slightest clue what I was doing in that particular model of aircraft. My professionalism and great personality did a nice job of covering up any awkwardness, though.

Damn, I'm good.   

 

Fun Fact #8. I like to say pithy quotes that are in direct contradiction to my actual personality. I do this as much to convince myself that I'm a good person as I do to convince others that I'm a good person. For instance, I once wrote this paragraph about myself, as part of a much longer and more impressive online biography:

The most important influence in my life was my Grandfather, Arthur V. Slutton. One tough old man, Pop was a veteran of World War I, and the most hardened seafarer I have ever met. He was a South ‘Jersey Waterman, never holding any job other than what he could earn from the ocean, wetlands, and bays of Cape May County, NJ. He taught me to speak straight, walk straight, shoot straight, give fair chase, and to stick out my hand and apologize for wrongs made. He taught me to fish, tie knots and splice, and to never let a wounded duck go unfound or a caught fish be wasted. He taught me to love a dog. He taught me that there are a few men worth having as friends, and a few others worth having as enemies. He taught me to never compromise my ideals to make a false-friend. He died in 1976, and I miss him every day. When I see the ocean, I see him: When I tie a bowline, I see him behind me helping me at [sic] an eight year old to tie it correctly. As long as I live, his memory lives. I hope he would be proud of the little boy who he taught to be a man.

Let me reiterate a few lines from that fine piece of writing.

He taught me to speak straight, walk straight, shoot straight, give fair chase, and to stick out my hand and apologize for wrongs made.

What a magnificent, self-laudatory line. It took me hours to craft that. As with everything I do, I wanted to build a veneer of trustworthiness around myself -- a veneer that anyone who doesn't already know me will never doubt. I think it's important to remember that if you don't actually have a positive attribute, you should just repeat over and over how important that attribute is, and how much of it you have. Then, people will think you have that attribute in spades. It's called pathological narcissism, and it works for me.    

He taught me that there are a few men worth having as friends, and a few others worth having as enemies. He taught me to never compromise my ideals to make a false-friend.

That's another way I try to convince myself (and other people) that I'm a good guy, and to justify any of my actions I have to justify. I always remind myself that there are just some people who I'll naturally hate, and they must never get in my way as I progress toward the top of my personal progress-ladder.

I hope he would be proud of the little boy who he taught to be a man.

Oops, that's almost too revealing. It conveys my own uncertainty about whether I'm the actually kind of man he would have wanted me to be. Maybe I ought to take that part out. In fact, perhaps this whole section should be removed. Hmmm. Write me and let me know what you think.

He taught me to love a dog.

As we all know, children have no natural love of living things, and unless you actually teach them to love pets and other animals, they will become maniacal killers. So I'm really glad Pop taught me to love a dog. It still seems like a forced emotion for me, but I've adapted.

 

Fun Fact #9. I like to "pad" my résumé as much as possible. For instance, I'll join an organization purely for the sound of it! That way I can say I'm a member of some prestigious, highfalutin' group, even though many organizations would let my grandmother join if she paid the $40 a year. This is a beautiful, effective tactic I've used time and time again. For instance, if I told all of you non-pilots out there that I'm a member of the Experimental Aircraft Association, I'm sure you'd be duly impressed. I hope so, because it costs me good money to join every year. You can join too, if you have a credit card. It's the same with many of my other memberships. It's all carefully-crafted fluff, designed to entrap the average fool who doesn't do his research.

My résumé also proudly and prominently boasts that I'm a member of the Society of Experimental Test Pilots (SETP). In fact, this may be my single most prized affiliation. And I really am a member. Unfortunately, it's another part of my life that's not quite what you think it is. To be precise, I might have had to do some very creative writing on my membership application in order to be accepted. The requirements for a full SETP membership are as follows:

PILOTS who are ACTIVELY ENGAGED and have been so engaged for NOT LESS THAN ONE YEAR in EXPERIMENTAL or DEVELOPMENTAL flight testing of aerospace vehicles, their engines, or associated components.

      EXPERIMENTAL flight testing is defined as flight testing which investigates the characteristics of an aerospace vehicle or its components under conditions not previously tested. Examples include first flights, envelope expansion, and initial performance or flying qualities testing of new or significantly modified vehicles. 

      DEVELOPMENTAL flight testing is defined as flight testing which conducts the initial investigation of the effects of any engineering or design change to an aerospace vehicle or its components. Examples include structural changes, control law development, and certain systems tests. For systems tests to qualify as developmental, the tests must be of systems under development that are used by the pilot to assist in the control of the vehicle.

Here I am riding in the back of a fighter jet, with my cool Test Pilot patch. I'm still a bit shy.Since I have little or no flying experience that would qualify as "Experimental," so I had to attack the other avenue, "developmental" flight testing, in order to qualify. I took out my big jug of 'Pencil Whip' and wrote what can only be called a masterpiece of extrapolation. Remember those old MiGs and things I used to fly? Well, I wrote about all the changes we made to 'em. Like how we put new radios in 'em. And new flight instruments. And other inconsequential stuff that sounds impressive when you word it the right way. I also threw in some stuff about the flying I've done in the Falcon business jets. And those suckers bought it -- hook, line and sinker.

I can write really, really well. Did I mention that? 

Of course, I rarely actually attend any SETP banquets and other events because I'm a bit concerned that I'd be scoffed at -- not to mention far outclassed -- by the likes of the astronauts, military test-pilots, and industry big-wigs that would be in attendance.

Yearly dues to SETP are super pricey, of course. But it's all worth it, because I get to put their organization's name on my résumé. I also wear their patch on my flight suit (see photo above). Isn't it cool? The patch itself only cost me $4, but it's actually the most expensive patch I ever bought.

Occasionally, I'll also mention to people that I'm a member of the Air Commando's Association (but I'll remind them, in the same breath, not to ask me anything about it!). This diversionary tactic is designed to suggest to people that I flew "black-ops" or special operations missions, or perhaps I flew spooky, covert missions for Air America, or maybe I did some other things I can't tell you about. This keeps my Mystique Level high, and encourages people to talk about me in hushed tones.

Someday, over drinks, in a quiet corner of a pub, I'll tell you some suitably-vague "combat flying" stories. They're awesome and should be made into a movie. A big, fictional movie -- but still, a movie.

 

Fun Fact #10. And now, a bit of a personal note: I find myself unable to relate to most women. I'm not sure, but I think they might get creeped-out by my intelligence and strong opinions. I was forced to import my last wife from overseas, which worked out pretty well for a while. We even had a kid together. Having a family helped me feel like a normal "man's man." After a while, though, my wife tired of the magnificent life I'd given her in New Jersey, and she left. I attribute this to Oprah Winfrey, Cosmo magazine, and a few other subversive influences in American culture. Someday I'll make you pay, Oprah.

 

Bonus Fun Fact #11. I like to live on boats. This setup is good for me, because when I'm docked I have water on three sides of me, which is kind of like sitting with my back to the wall. I can shove off and disappear into the ocean any time the pressure of life gets to be too much, and/or the Feds come knocking.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened to me a couple of years ago in Florida, when they arrested me for buying three unregistered lower receivers for automatic M-16 rifles. I had the foreign seller falsify the paperwork to say they were "boat parts," and I never filled out the proper paperwork and applied for the $200 tax stamps for these heavily-restricted items. Why should I? I'm super smart, and rules don't really apply to me.

Unfortunately, the sneaky BATFE (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives) caught me red-handed. Luckily, I avoided doing time in Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison. In fact, I only had to do a couple of days in jail, pay a hefty fine, serve three months of home detention, and three years of probation. This made me humble, for a week or so.

Nowadays, if a pretty girl in a bar asks why I have such a hard edge, I'll put down my Scotch and say, "Honey, when you've been a grizzled gun-runner like me, you've seen things. Hard things. Prison'll change a man."

Cool story, huh? It adds to my mystique, don't you think?

 

Bonus Fun Fact #12: I fly my MiG-15 jet (the one with the iffy brakes) on short contracts for the US Navy and US Air Force test pilot schools. Several times per year, I give rides to student test-pilots, letting them evaluate the airplane's handling characteristics. In exchange for this, I get to tell people that I'm a test pilot at Edwards Air Force Base and Patuxent River Naval Air Station. Because that sounds better. Of course, I don't tell them that I'm a convicted gun-runner. That kind of mystique is only cool in civilian circles.

 

* * * * * *

 

So, why am I telling you all this stuff? Because I'm really convinced that if you just get to know me, you'll find me to be one of the most remarkable people you've ever met.

I share my secrets because I care.

I care what you think about me. I care whether you think about me every day, or just every other day.

If you're my enemy, I care whether you are a gun owner or not. I care whether you can run faster than me.

I care if you are wealthy or poor. I care if you are elderly, or young. I care if you are gullible or savvy. And I especially care if you're wealthy and elderly and gullible. If you are all of those things, you'd make a fine member of my "Advisory Board," and I want you to be my friend.

I've been told that if you open up to people, they will respect you. I hope that now you'll respect me even more than you did when you first visited this website.

I'm actually thinking about opening another website, this time a site designed for my true fans. It will be called SluttonCam24-7.com, and it will feature an interactive web camera that will allow you to watch me 24 hours a day, so that you can emulate everything I do. This will make you a better person, I promise.

This endeavor will be expensive for me, of course. You can make donations to this project at:
Dave Slutton, P.O. Box 70, South Milwaukee, WI 53172.

Bye-bye for now!

 


 

 


Copyright 2016 by Talio Industries
All Rights Are Reserved for Me

 This is not the website of "David R. Slutton," "David R. Sutton," "Dave Slutton," "Dave Sutton," "Diver Dave,"
or any other real or imaginary person. This website is purely opinion and satire. It is intended to be
informational and entertaining, but is not intended to be a literal representation of the life
of any particular person. It is, however, based on facts. Cold, hard facts.

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For more information about the creators of this website, click here.